Chronic Illness and Bly Manor

What is it like to have a chronic illness? I am not sure that this question gets asked enough. I think most people don't even really wonder about it until they are faced with one. It's like we just go through this thing called life until one day, the doctor gives you a diagnosis, or multiple diagnoses, that changes your fate forever. Then, you have no choice but to think about it all of the time. I also don't think enough people ask those of us with chronic illnesses what it is like to have one. I mean, people probably don't really want to face the fact that their health may also decline someday or face anything that indicates that they are going to die someday. Um, okay, Wednesday Addams, way to keep it morbid, but hear me out. Our society (at least here in the United States) is obsessed with youth, beauty, and health and that we need to do whatever we can to attain, and maintain, it and that ends up being the role model for what people "should" be. So, it's no wonder why so many people don't want to think about the opposite reality.

The reality is that for so many people, like myself, we live in a body that is at odds with what our society says is the ideal. When we do try to talk about our realities, it is often met with phrases and questions along the lines of, "have you tried...?" or "you should try...." or "just do...." and the list goes on. Sometimes, if we are really lucky (note: sarcasm), we get to face the ye old "you don't look sick...." comment. Ah yes, because those of us with chronic illness don't look sick; therefore, we must not really be. They don't experience a chronic illness themselves; therefore, it must not be that bad and because many of us still function in some capacity and lead our lives regardless of how we feel inside things must not be as bad as they seem. How do we even begin to describe what it is like living with something chronic but yet invisible?

Well, have you ever seen The Haunting of Bly Manor on Netflix? Whoa, what rabbit trail are we going down here? Bear with me. I was watching this show some time ago, and I highly recommend it psbytheway, but there is a portion of the story where a malevolent ghost inhabits one of the characters and lives inside of her for quite some time. For those of you who haven't seen it I will try not to give too much of it away, but the character with the ghost inside of her goes on to live her life without trouble; however, after many years the character begins to see the glimmers of the ghost in reflections off of mirrors, water, windows, and the like. That's when the character knows. She knows the ghost is rearing its ugly head and will overtake her one day. It lives inside of her, lurking, until one day.....well, I won't give the rest of the story away.

After watching this series on Netflix it dawned on me. That is what it is like living with a chronic and oftentimes invisible illness. It's something inside each of us that lurks. We may not be able to see it, but we know it's there. We can go on about our daily lives with work, love, family, friends, and other responsibilities but we still know that it is there. It shows up in glimmers. It shows up in reminders that our bodies are not quite our own. That we are inhabited by something we don't want that may, one day, take over our lives. It is a constant and sometimes dark presence that we try to shove aside day after day and we never know when it will come out in full force. Others tell us not to worry so much about it and that things will be fine but we know better. We know that at any time things may not be fine. But we push on anyway to get as much out of this life as we can before that happens.

That definitely took a dark turn but, that is the reality of it. That has been my reality living with chronic illness. It is not always pretty. It is not always fine. And there is a constant unpredictable presence that I am always mindful of. I would be willing to bet that others with chronic illness feel the same. That's not to say that I don't go out and live my life the best I can. Nay nay. What it really means is that I do what I can for as long as I can but just know that there will be days, and there may even come a time, when I can't. That is the reality of living with a chronic and invisible illness.

I try not to end things on dark and negative notes but I think it is also important to acknowledge those things too. With the happy and lighter parts of life come the darker and negative parts of life, which makes us appreciate the happy and lighter parts that much more. While there is much that isn't great about living with a chronic illness, one of the good things is that it can help people to appreciate life and the good moments that much more......because we know what might be lurking for us underneath.....