Crying in SA

Well I did it. I broke down. Right in my husband’s truck in downtown San Antonio. Please tell me I am not the only one with these moments.

Okay, here’s the scene. Because I have a diagnosis of Crohn’s that means there are certain things that I avoid eating because they seem to make symptoms worse and/or they seem to make inflammation worse. For those of you who also struggle with autoimmune disorders, I’m sure you can relate. We also know our bodies better than anyone and, I don’t know about you all, but when that inflammation increases I can definitely feel the difference within my body versus when the inflammation is lower. So, for the sake of managing symptoms I just personally don’t eat things that may make things worse for me. With that being said, that can mean having a more restrictive diet, which, in turn, leads to some difficulties with traveling and eating out.

Now, I’m not a stranger to San Antonio. I’ve been there many times in the past, not always with a restricted diet, but I have grown to know what San Antonio is like and what it offers. My husband has to travel to a conference there once a year that is related to his work and I usually go with him. We turn it into a getaway for us. Even though he may be conferencing it up, we still have time together. Obviously those times together involve food. He also has dietary restrictions due to his health issues so it can be real fun trying to find places to eat that both of us can enjoy. We have found places in the past for dinner but this time, my husband wanted to take us out for dessert. Now, dinner is one thing but dessert can be quite another as many places don’t offer desserts that I can eat. But, I wanted to have a good time with him and I also hate that I sometimes have to restrict him just because of my issues. It feels like I’m being a burden and even though he doesn’t see it that way, I do. It’s hard not to.

Anyway, I thought I had found a place to get something for me and then we were going to get something for him at a different place. Well, after circling around in his truck, trying to find parking, him getting frustrated, not finding parking, and eventually him just pulling up to the storefront to let me out while he circled the block only for me to go in and find out that they do not, in fact, have anything for me…..I just felt defeated and deflated. I got back into the truck, told him that there wasn’t anything, and he proceeded to find a place to park and asked me where I wanted to go next. I simply told him that we should just get something for him and I can do without but he insists on finding something for me. After much back and forth between us, I eventually just lost it and broke down crying.

I cried because I was frustrated. Frustrated with this stupid disease and the limitations it imposes on me. Frustrated because I feel like I hold my husband back sometimes. Frustrated because it can be such a chore to find accommodations sometimes. Frustrated at my lack of planning head. Yes, I know that this one moment in time was not a big deal but it was the accumulation of frustrations over time. The little day to day frustrations that build up and eventually spill over. Those are the frustrations that lead to crying in a truck in downtown SA.

Fortunately, I have a husband that understands and is supportive and he was able to help calm me down at that moment. That doesn’t mean that I don’t get frustrated or that I will never get frustrated in the future but it helps. These diseases just take so much from us that it is easy to get frustrated and angry and upset and anything else that comes up for us emotionally. In fact, I would say that it is our right to get that way because of everything we go through. It is only natural to feel all the emotions when dealing with chronically stressful situations, such as our health, because it is a big deal. It is a big stressor. While this breakdown wasn’t pretty, it helped me to realize that it’s okay to be human and to have natural human reactions to different situations and I encourage you to do the same. We live in a society that tends to push the message that we need to be happy and wonderful all the time. It tends to border on toxic positivity because life isn’t like that and humans aren’t like that. It’s not realistic. So, I am telling you to tell yourself that it is okay to not be okay. It’s okay to not be happy. It’s okay to not always be healthy. Feel the feels, don’t apologize for your feelings, and if anyone makes you feel bad for those feelings, that’s their shit, not your shit. You are not responsible for others’ feelings. There, permission granted. Now on to planning that next trip to San Antonio!