My Identity is Not to be Pitied

I remember the first time I was openly pitied for having a chronic illness. I was attending a workshop that my employer was offering on multiculturalism and diversity and one of the questions the presenter asked was what three things come to mind when you think about your identity. Then she broke us up into the dreaded small groups. Torture for an introvert. It was me and two other people and initially I thought of woman, Italian, and academic but then another piece of me came up as the other two members of the group were sharing their identities. It was images of doctors, medical appointments, and medicine including an injectable that I have to take weekly. It was images reflective of chronic illness and then I realized that my identity was also tied up in having a chronic illness, an invisible illness, and an invisible disability.

To be honest, I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. On one hand, it is a part of my identity but on the other hand I don’t want it to be my whole identity and I certainly don’t want it to be one of the first things that pops into my head when asked that question. I decided to share that part of myself that had come up for me with the group. Their reaction? Well, it was pity. They did ask me if I was doing okay and if it was well managed but the first reaction was one of, “I’m sorry” and I realized that it surprised me. I was not expecting that and I certainly wasn’t expecting what was to come next in my wheelhouse of emotions. I felt….defensive. I felt uncomfortable. I felt agitated that the first thing someone would go to would be pity. But why? After all, they were just being nice and supportive in the way they knew how.

I think it was because, at the end of the day, I just don’t want to be pitied for who I am because I have done a lot of things despite having a chronic illness. I went to college, I earned two Master’s Degrees and a Ph.D., I have hiked up Mt. Vesuvius, I traveled to Italy by myself, I ran a half marathon and then a full marathon, I have helped others, and I have loved and been loved. I don’t think that is anything to be pitied and I want others to see that too. I want others to not look at those who have chronic illnesses or disabilities as something to be pitied but rather people who are capable of accomplishing great things in their lives. As people who can set their goals and find ways to achieve them, which makes us strong because we do those things in spite of the fact that we have a chronic illness.

While we didn’t have enough time to get into it because we only had another minute or two in our small groups and they wanted us to answer a second question before we returned to the large group, to be honest, I wish I had said more. I wish I had said all that I just wrote above. I wish I could educate more and advocate for myself and others more in those moments and turn them into teachable lessons. Alas, I answered their questions and then we moved on but I figured I would write about that event for this blog because I want others out there to know that you are not to be pitied and that we are not to be pitied and that just because we mention it and talk about it doesn’t mean that we are looking for pity. It just means that, yes, it is a part of us but it’s just one piece out of many. Just one part of who we are but that we are so, so much more.